Guilt – by Ambika Satkunanathan

Guilt.

Of the survivor of violence, of war, of death.

Guilt about being here when they are not.

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Guilt about not being there when they needed us.

Guilt for words said and unsaid. Deeds done and not done.

About responsibilities unfulfilled.

 

Grief.

Of the survivor of violence, of war, of death.

We grieve for those that leave us,

For their loss; of life, of love, of aspirations.

For all they will never feel or experience,

For who they could have been. What they could have done.

 

We also grieve for ourselves.

For our loss.

For what we miss about the ones who left us.

Where one ends and the other begins, we cannot say.

If grief is selfish,

Why do I not cry?

 

Or maybe it is not.

Maybe it is self-preservation.

Guilt and grief in an inter-dependent, toxic relationship.

Cannot be together yet cannot let go.

Because what would one be without the other?

Maybe I will cry when they part ways

Permanently

 

A.S

4 March 2023